It's Okay To Not Have It All Figured Out

 When I was a senior in high school I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I only applied to one college — Oregon State University. I dual-enrolled at LBCC and then I felt I was ready. I would go to college for four years, major in fisheries and wildlife and then get a job with ODFW or the National Park Service. That would be my future.

That is not what happened. 

As I would find out, this is the case for a lot of people.

When I started college I quickly realized I didn’t have things quite as figured out as I thought I did. I struggled. A lot. 

For the first time in my life I had true, absolute freedom. My parents had always given me quite a bit of leeway, but they were always watching over my shoulder, helping me stay focused like a guiding light. They were still there, asking me how I was doing, if my classes were going well, how my grades were. 

I lied. I told them it was fine, I told them I was passing. On the exterior I managed to put up a front, but internally? Internally I was struggling. 

It wasn’t until the first quarter sophomore year that all this would come to a head. After failing chemistry during spring quarter my freshman year, I told myself that I would make a change, that I would “lock in” and reinvest myself in school. 

I didn’t, in fact that first term my sophomore year was my worst. Of the four classes I was taking that term, I dropped two, failed one and passed one with a C. I wasn’t feeling overly optimistic about my future at this point and knew I needed a break, I needed a change, time off to figure things out — whatever that meant.

They say one of the hardest things in life is accepting your failure and knowing when to move on. Another is disappointing your parents. For me, I had to do both. 

I can still remember when I called my mom to tell her I needed a break from college and couldn’t keep moving forward. I remember before I called her when I was staring at my homework for hours trying to do it, but not having any drive or motivation to. I can remember sitting in my car in the rain staring at her contact info, struggling to call her. I knew that in doing so I would be disappointing my parents, not only because I was quitting school, but also because they were helping me pay for it. 

That phone call was one of the most difficult moments in my life, and one of the most impactful. It was by no means an easy call as I told my mom about my decision to take a break from school. Wanting the best for me her concerns were valid, wondering if I would end up going back to school and what my plans were in the meantime. At the time I hadn’t thought that far ahead though I ended up getting a job while I figured out my plans in relation to school.

After that call I was lost for a while. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing with my life. I got a fast food job and simply existed. I was like a zombie.

It wasn’t much, but it gave me time to re-explore myself and think about why school wasn’t working for me. 

During this time I did one of the most important things I think I have ever done in my life. I talked to people. 

I talked.

I listened.

I learned.

I learned about myself, who I was, what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to become. I learned that I wasn’t alone. When listening to stories I learned that most people didn’t know what they wanted to do. Many changed their major or plans. 

The most important thing that I learned though, was that it’s OK to not have it all figured out. My parents feel the same way considering they were in similar positions to me when they were my age. Which, should be noted, is the same for a lot of people.  As long as you are moving forward and making positive progress in life, you are taking the steps necessary to succeed.